Seriously? Is there such a thing? Yes! There is! Now please don’t get me wrong. I am not being disrespectful here.
I don’t mean like, “Yeehaw! Grieving is so much fun!”
But grieving is a good and a necessary part of healing after the death of someone we care about. And there can be a lot of beauty in it.
We all grieve differently and the process encompasses a wide range of emotions. Ironically, how we grieve has as much to with the deceased themselves.
For instance …
Whether they were young or older, whether the death was sudden and tragic, or long expected? Let’s not forget the circumstance behind the death. Was it a long drawn- out illness? Or was the death preventable? Natural causes? Did you get to say goodbye? A death of dignity and peace? Foul play? Even, their personalities in life come into play. Did they themselves have a great sense of humor? Were they on sound spiritual footing? Were you? Stoic and resigned? Did they live a great life? Or did they leave this world in fear? With regret? So many variables.
Bottom line, there are NO set rules on how to die, let alone how to grieve or a timeline in print in which to reference. The journey is as unique as the person who experiences it .
The one surety of grief is that it does evolve and change over time. And believe me it takes time. I don’t think it really ever ends but that’s part of its beauty. It eventually softens and becomes a part of us, as it should.
Now, I must warn you of rambling ahead. I am writing this as I approach the 1st anniversary of my own father’s death, as well as my first husband ( my children’s father’s death) And the 10th anniversary of the death of the a man I spent two decades with. So in memoriam, I write on because the emotions are raw and writing for me, is cathartic.
Like so many, I experienced familial death early in life and it might come as a surprise but I felt NO real sense of profound grief or loss. I speak of my maternal grandparents who lived in another state and my contact with them was minimal. Surely I wish I had gotten to know them better and do have a few fond memories but I am being honest here. My mother was the youngest and there were huge age gaps between her and her three siblings, so by the time I came on the scene, my grandparents were quite elderly and while they we’re kindly , I never felt any real connection to their passing and I decided a long time ago, I’m really OK with that.
Now, the passing of my paternal grandparents who I had much more interaction with, now that IS another story. My grandfather died in ’96 and my grandmother in 2007. I was forty seven years old when nana died . There is a photo of myself, holding my three year old granddaughter on my lap, after her internment. Bittersweet.
I experienced death ( up close and personal) for the first time when I was in my early twenties. I was hired to take care of an elderly neighbor who I was told was simply diabetic and needed help with nutrition and his insulin shots. He died before my eyes, several weeks later of peritonitis (the result of metastatic brain cancer) a fact that his family conveniently left out when hiring me . Though I never got to know him well, his passing was very sad and I felt deeply connected to the experience on a spiritual level. But grief? I am not certain.
About the same time, I watched a young man climb up onto a lower branch of a young oak tree to retrieve a ball for a child, and then immediately fall to his death. He was a friend of the family and I personally had no real connection with him but very casually but his passing taught me how truly fragile and precious life was.
It wasn’t until my ex-husband passed in 2006, that I experienced grief in a deep and intimate way.
He was my soulmate and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. But he also had a drug problem the last several years of his life and it was those addictions that caused us so much marital strife, his health problems and I believe wholeheartedly, his eventual demise. The marriage was rocky as we fought like cats and dogs, until the point where the 18-year marriage simply fell apart but through it all, we never stopped loving each other.
We divorced in 2004, and we went our separate ways but only for a brief time. It was only after I was engaged to another man, that I learned that my ex was terminally ill and we found ourselves living under the same roof of a 30-foot travel trailer in a most unconventional way. My ex, would be the one to give me away a year later at my wedding-a little over four months before his death, and four days after I suffered a miscarriage that kept me from his deathbed. I truly didn’t think I could go on living at the point.
To simply say that, that time was difficult would be too much of an understatement BUT at the same time, it was poignant and beautiful and I have no regrets for having experienced it.
He was a mess, a real handful ( but he also left us with memories that would allow me to smile through tears ) as I navigated my VERY real but complicated grieving process.
To this very day, a lot people in my life just don’t understand the ‘inappropriateness’ of our situation before and after his death. Why I decided to put my new relationship in jeopardy for an ex husband who needed me. How my new husband put up with it? Why I can laugh when I see a lone turkey buzzard poised on the side of the road as I drive by, OR one perched in a tall pine tree. Why I relate to certain songs like She talks to Angels or why his name still comes up in daily conversation. And you know, that’s ok. This is my journey to process and understand. NO one else’s!
And that’s the point of all my rambling, don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel and remember it takes time, so be kind and patient with yourself and others who are grieving. It’s probably the deepest respect you can pay to someone experiencing loss. Be there for them absolutely, and let them know you support them, but they need to experience it on the own terms and in their own time.
Photo Courtesy of my friend over at One2OneHealing/fb
One2OneHealing
Thriving Beyond 55 